Comments (13)

By Lana, August 30, 2010 5:11 pm

It is hard to believe that a year ago, we watched Lauren climb on board the bus and head off to school as a kindergartner. I was a bit anxious and so was Lauren, although no one would have known Lauren was anything other than ecstatic about her first day of school. She smiled and skipped her way to school. Later she told me that she was nervous.

This morning Lauren woke up and said, “I am SO EXCITED! I LOVE school!” She is especially thrilled to have her best friend in her class.

I am not one of those moms who laments the first day of school. I loved school so much as a kid that I just expect my kids to love it too! And, the truth is, I enjoy a break. And I’m quite sure Lauren enjoys a break from me.

Here’s our cutie-pie, all ready for first grade. (Last year Lauren was fine with her preschool princess backpack. This year she had an opinion about her backpack. She requested rolling luggage and presented a compelling case: she needed rolling luggage to avoid hurting her back while carrying all of her supplies, homework, lunch, etc. She is a LOT like her daddy!)

Comments (4)

By Lana, August 29, 2010 10:20 am

As many of you know, we held a burial service for Carmen in upstate New York last week. Thankfully, we didn’t have to do much of the planning for this service as Dave and I were both exhausted from the past few weeks. We did, however, have to make one choice, the color of Carmen’s vault. With any color available, Dave chose orange since Carmen always looked wonderful in orange.

In case you don’t know (I didn’t), the vault is put into the ground and then the casket is placed inside the vault. Once in the ground, no one can see the vault. It’s just there to protect the casket.

At first, I thought choosing orange was strange but once I saw it I thought it was a great idea. Carmen did look wonderful in orange.

The cross on Carmen’s vault

***

Thanks so much for all the cards, emails, flowers, gifts, meals, and donations to Mi Refugio and NTSAD. We appreciate your love and generosity so very much!

Comments (29)

By Dave ©, August 23, 2010 10:00 pm

July 5th, 2007. It’s a day that will stand forever as one of the most pivotal days — if not the most pivotal day — in our lives. It’s the day that spawned this website. Here is what I wrote:

Erwin McManus said recently that a great cup of coffee can only be truly enjoyed by using our senses of taste and smell. “You may not know this,” he said, “but the dominant experience of tasting something is actually through smelling it.” *

The problem, he says, is that most of us drink our cups of coffee with little plastic lids on them. “We have learned to put lids on our coffee so they keep us safe and don’t burn us.” * But by doing so, we don’t allow ourselves to get the most out of our coffee drinking experiences. We never fully enjoy what could be a great cup of coffee because we’re so afraid of getting burned. And so, we settle for second-best.

***

As I sit here trying to digest what Lana and I were told at the doctor’s office earlier today (that Carmen most likely has a rare — fatal — genetic disease called Tay Sachs), I can’t help but wonder, “How will this turn out to be a really great cup of coffee?”

Is it possible to get burned but still fully taste and enjoy the rest of the coffee? Is it possible to get scalded by grief and loss but still fully taste and enjoy life?

I think so.

But I think it’s only possible if there is a huge God out there, One who loves us, knows what is best for us and allows — dare I say, even directs — certain things to happen because of what only He can see.

That’s where I am right now. I am not questioning God. Really. I am not. I’m not saying that I haven’t ever questioned God or that I won’t ever question Him again. But right now, at least for the moment, I trust fully that He knows what He’s doing even though I don’t understand it at all. And I pray that I stay right here, leaning wholly on Him to do what only He can do.

*Paraphrase and quotes by Erwin Raphael McManus from his message entitled, “Romance Unwrapped # 1″

So here we are on the other side of this cup of coffee. The coffee is still in our stomachs but the cup is now empty. And, honestly, I am in the same place. Really, I have no choice. I have encountered the living God and when that happens, there’s just no other way. Nothing else seems even remotely appealing. He is in control. He knows what’s best. He has our best interest in mind. He can be trusted.

Comments (56)

By Dave ©, August 17, 2010 3:05 pm

August 15, 2010, ~1:45 am…

“Lauren,” I whispered as I gently tapped her shoulder to wake her up.

“Lauren,” I said a little louder, shaking her gently.

“Lauren!” I finally said out loud. Her eyes popped open and she stared at me. “There’s something I need to tell you. Something about Carmen.” She looked at me intently, not saying a word. “Carmen went to Heaven a little while ago.”

“WHAT?”

After a brief moment, Lauren burst into tears and wrapped her arms and legs around me. We lay on her bed, holding each other as the tears rolled down our cheeks.

“Do you want to go say goodbye?” I asked.

She shook her head up and down, still crying.

I carried her downstairs, where Lana was waiting with Carmen. Lauren didn’t know what to say so I whispered a few things to Carmen for the three of us. Then I took Lauren back upstairs to her bedroom.

More tears. More hugs. “I need a tissue,” she whimpered.

I returned with a box of tissues. We then did the only thing I could think of at that moment. We prayed. We thanked God for Carmen, that she was such a great daughter and sister. As I thanked him that Carmen could now do things she couldn’t do just yesterday, Lauren interjected emphatically.

“Thank you, Lord, that Carmen can walk,” I said.

“That she can RUN!” Lauren added.

“Thank you that she can talk.”

“And SING!”

“Thank you that she is whole.”

“And FREE!”

“We will miss her greatly…”

“YES.”

“…and we can’t wait to see her again.”

“YES.”

After we prayed, neither one of us said a word for what seemed like forever. I knew Lauren was still awake because there was an occasional movement from an arm or a leg. Finally, I asked, “What do you think Carmen is doing right now?”

“She’s walking,” Lauren responded.

“Yeah, I bet you’re right.”

After imagining and talking about all the things Carmen was probably doing at that very moment, Lauren rolled over, looked straight into my eyes and asked poignantly, “How did she die?”

“Well, God decided it was time for her to go to Heaven.”

“No, I mean…did her heart stop?”

“Yeah. It did.”

“Did it just stop or did it go like this (making a downward sloping motion with her hand)?”

“It slowed down and eventually stopped,” I told her.

“Did it go to zero?”

“Yeah.”

“Daddy, will you please tell me a story?”

“Sure kiddo. Once upon a time, there was a beautiful little girl…”

Comments (22)

By Lana, August 1, 2010 7:10 am

Yesterday, Dave and I cleaned out the garage. Dave and I have been on a cleaning, organizing, and donating rampage. Tay Sachs derailed my organizational tendencies and I am just now getting back on track. Anyway, there was a big, white box in the garage that we have been storing for 12 years and carting around through 10 moves. I looked at Dave and asked, “Is it OK if I donate my wedding dress?” Dave said, “Sure.”

Bye, bye wedding dress. You served your purpose well. I hope someone else enjoys wearing you as much as I did!

The Top 10 Reasons I Donated My Wedding Dress:

10. I don’t see myself wearing it to too many places.

9. I could TOTALLY still fit in it…if I developed a parasite and lost 25 lbs. overnight.

8. I don’t look good in white. I should have gone with red. Everyone looks good in red.

7. The likelihood that one of my daughters will wear it is very slim. They would have to 1) get married, 2) fit in it, and 3) want to wear it. I 1) got married and 2) fit in my mom’s but I didn’t want to wear hers (no offense mom!).

6. I don’t want to ask Dave to move it for the 11th time.

5. The wedding dress box says “store in a cool, dry area” and it’s been in the hot garage.

4. I’m not very sentimental.

3. Vera Wang herself did not make my dress.

2. My new motto is: if I don’t need it and am not using it, I should give it to someone who does need it and can use it.

And the #1 reason I donated my wedding dress:

My love for Dave is not dependent on whether or not my wedding dress is stored in the garage!

Love you Dave! Happy 12th anniversary!