Life is weird now. We spent three years on constant alert, our adrenaline in overdrive. Every second of every day we listened for Carmen’s breathing, to make sure she wasn’t choking. We got pretty good at it. In fact, I bet most people who came over thought we were really relaxed about everything. And we were. But, we still kept our alert hats on at all times.
I asked Dave yesterday, “What do people do in normal life?” Work, take care of kids, pay bills, cook, clean, errands, vacations, hobbies, etc. I get all that but it seems so calm. (I know…laugh. There is nothing calm about life.)
Besides the obvious, that Carmen isn’t here anymore, it seems that something else is missing. I think the something else is the chronic stress of taking care of a terminally ill child.
But, it’s more than that.
Taking care of a terminally diseased child made us feel alive. We were in the midst of something life-changing. Something that made us feel. We had purpose.
I think we both feel a bit lost right now. What is next for us?
***
Dave is home for a month. He took FMLA (Family Medical Leave Act) time to get us back on track. We’ve started exercising again. We are cleaning out our house (again…seems that is never-ending!). We are working on projects. We are pursuing our hobbies. We are spending time together as a couple and with the girls. We are praying about what’s next.
Speaking of hobbies, we are working on learning more about photography. Last weekend, Lauren went to her best friend’s birthday party. I took along the camera, hoping to practice. The lighting conditions weren’t optimal: fluorescent lighting in a ballet studio. I ended up going back and forth between 1600 and 3200 ISO (which makes for very grainy pictures). Because I knew the lighting was going to be a problem, I tried to focus on composition. What did I want to say in these pictures?
Here are a few that I like.
That’s me in the corner taking the picture. I discovered that I make a strange grimace when taking a picture. Got to work on that!
I took close-ups of each of the little girls. Here’s what my little ballerina did in every shot.
Usually Lauren says, “Don’t put that on the blog!” about anything she doesn’t like. She thought this picture was GREAT. I think so too. It’s true-to-life! 
Lauren is so cute! She looks very grown up.
Diane
It’s wonderful that Dave can take this time, so you can all be together. I’m sure this “new normal”, besides being so very sad because Carmen is gone, will take some real getting used to. It’s great that you have the time as a family, as you adjust to your new lifestyle.
Nancy in the Midwest
Still keeping your family in prayer….the time together sounds wonderful, and your little Lauren is a doll.
Praying for you both as you find a new normal. So very glad that Dave is home.
Thanks for sharing. You have described “being alive” so well. You had a purpose and you were so focused on that life. I pray that your transition into your new life is smooth, and that you find great contentment.
If your interested, I am taking a photoshop class in October. It’s about a half hour from my house. If your interested I will send you the information. It’s Oct. 21 from 8:30 to 3:00.
You had one purpose with Carmen. Now it will be exciting to see what your next purpose is. You have two little girls that are a huge purpose that God has given you. I pray for you all each day. Hoping the the new normal will be wonderful for you. You deserve it.
A ballet party! How cute!!
Thanks for continuing to share your journey with us. Glad Dave can take some time off. Still praying for you…
I just wanted to say thank you also for continuing to be open and share your lives with us. I wanted also to comment that you are such an amazing photographer. You capture the heart and emotion of the moment. Excellent job! You guys remain in my thoughts and prayers!