Recently Dave and I were talking to a friend and I said something about Lauren being a really difficult newborn/baby. Dave doesn’t like to correct me in public so, afterward, he and I had the following conversation.
Dave: I don’t like when you say that Lauren was difficult.
Me: Why? She was difficult! She cried a lot, she had reflux and threw up all the time, and she didn’t sleep.
Dave: But she really wasn’t difficult. She was a pretty typical baby. I just think you need to be careful what you say.
Me (after a long pause and lots of thought): Well, do you think it was me? Do you think I just didn’t handle having a newborn well?
Dave: Yes.
It’s been six years since we had a newborn in the house and I’ve been doing a lot of thinking. Hope will most likely be born in the next couple of weeks (Lauren insists that she will be born this Wednesday!). Are we ready? What will this time around be like?
After Lauren was born I got hit with a bad case of postpartum depression. Not postpartum psychosis like Andrea Yates had but just a feeling of being very, very sad and unhappy. I couldn’t get rid of that feeling, no matter what I did. And I couldn’t figure out why in the world I felt this way. We lost three babies before having Lauren and now my dream had come true. I had a little girl. A beautiful, healthy little girl.
When Lauren was 4 months old, we drove an hour to a friend’s house for a birthday party. On the way, Dave commented that he hadn’t seen me smile in months. I asked him if he thought I should talk to my doctor and he said yes. Now, keep in mind, that I have a psychology degree, my mom is a psychologist and I have been around depression and other mental disorders my whole life. But, I just couldn’t figure out what to do for myself. Long story short, my doctor prescribed an antidepressant and within a few weeks, I felt like a new person. I realized that depression is not something most people can snap out of and there is no shame in taking something to help.
Over the next few months, I started enjoying my precious little girl more and more. I started smiling again. In fact, Lauren made me smile every single day. And she has every single day since.
This time around I hope I do enjoy the newborn stage. But, if I find myself feeling unhappy, I will take my own advice and seek help. (Now that I have written it down, I have to do it!)
Another 34 week 5 day picture.
Wow! Thanks for sharing! Lauren will continue to make you smile by being your awesome assistant in your new journey with/of Hope! She’s gonna love it! I will pray that the depression doesn’t hit you, and that you can marvel in the wonder of it all… I look forward to continuing this journey with you, from afar…
Hi Sandi. Lauren has great plans for this baby! She asked yesterday if when she gets home from school if she can sit and hold the baby for the rest of the day.
Hi there Lana, I have been praying very much for when Hope comes, didn’t know why but I guess I do now. Any how reading your and Daves’ conversation I remembered this verse, Proverbs 9:8. Consider your self wise
) God bless. In Christ, Joe
I almost forgot I made a facebook page because some people I have been following do that more so if any of you all do that make me a friend it is Joseph Jordan. I’m still trying to figure it out but I guess it is good.
Oh great, Joe. I’m Betty Short. On Facebook, too.
Lana, you look beautiful! There is nothing more beautiful than a woman who is about to become a mother whether it be for the first time or the 10th! At least you realize that you had postpartum desression in the past and will be able to recognize it earlier if it appears again. I will continue to pray for your family and look forward to seeing pictures of baby Hope when she arrives!
Joe, I continue to pray for you as well. I searched for you on fb, but there are over 500!
Lana, what a beautiful story of what you went through. Alot of women just don’t realize that having a baby not only affects you physically but it also affects you mentally. I am praying that it will be much better for you this time. It was great that Dave was able to talk to you about it and that you recognized it once you were aware of it. Thank the Lord!
Great picture of you and your little package. We are wishing and praying for a wonderful birth. Love you all.
You look BEAUTIFUL!! and I love your long hair!
Uh oh. My long hair is going bye-bye either today or tomorrow. Just to my shoulders though. Hoping I can get something similar to Sarah’s cute, wavy cut!
Sarah has gone quite short – - very cute! You will see when you get their family picture
I bet! She has great hair.
As of 5 minutes ago, mine is now right above the shoulders. I like it.
So, where is the picture????
And – - were you sitting to get it done????
You look great, Lana! And don’t overthink the newborn issues, honestly. Maybe Dave’s right about Lauren, but a babe who doesn’t sleep IS tough on everyone, particularly a new mama with a overload of hormones and oncoming depression. Lack of sleep doesn’t help and certainly affects the view, even in hindsight. Be gentle with yourself this time and we’ll pray that this one doesn’t have reflux!
Thanks Allison! And yes, sleep-deprivation is HARD! Lauren woke up every 2 hours or so for 14 months! In hindsight, I have no idea why we didn’t ask the doctor for reflux medication or why we didn’t recline her mattress for sleeping. I think she would have done much better even sleeping in the swing/car seat. I suspect she was really, really uncomfortable with all that acid coming up and that is one reason she woke so often.
Carmen has certainly taught us a lot about how to deal with different medical issues. She is on reflux meds and she sleeps at a 45 degree angle.
I don’t know how people aren’t depressed when they have a newborn. You’re trying to function on no sleep for months. Maddie was 18 months old the first time she slept through the night. Your hormones are going crazy. You have a little person attached to your breast or hip 24 hours a day. You’re lucky to get a shower in most days. I was depressed when I was pregnant and for the months that followed with both of my babies. I remember coming out the fog at some point and thinking if I ever do this again, I’m going to take anti-depressants. It’s just when you’re in the midst of being depressed that you don’t think of it. I’m glad you’re realizing ahead of time that you’ll need a little help this time around. And you never know, maybe this baby will be easy. I’ve seen easy babies. They do exist.
Thanks, Sarah. And yes, easy babies do exist. Carmen was an EASY baby! I thought for the longest time that it must be because she has Tay Sachs. But, several of the moms have told me that their children with Tay Sachs were not easy babies.
Carmen was so happy. Happy to eat, happy to sleep, happy to play.
When we brought her home at 5 months old, she was waking up a couple of times per night to eat. We decided to see what would happen if we didn’t feed her during the night, totally expecting her to cry and cry. First night she woke up and talked to herself for the next hour. Dada, gaga, baba, etc. After an hour she went back to sleep. No more night time feedings and no more waking up. I thought I was in a dream!
I usually phrase it this way: Anna was not a good sleeper.
And she wasn’t. She was a terrible sleeper (she is great now). And it was very very hard. Anyone who ever took care of a baby will instantly understand what it means to not have a good sleeper.
You look great Lana, you are really glowing! I’m so grateful Hope has stayed in as long as she has.
Totally agree! Let’s just say that now Lauren goes to bed around 7pm and we have to wake her up in the morning! This morning, it was past 8am and I kept telling her it was time to wake up and she kept saying, “Noooooooooo.” And this is at age 6. Not sure what the teenage years will be like!
Moms and Dads view babies in a whole different light. My husband and I have differing opinions on the degree of difficulty for 3 of our 4 children. We only agreed on our oldest from Guat who had some inital attachment issues. Couple that with her failure to thrive and some oral motor issues that made feeding tough and we’ll both tell you she was rough (but she’s the easiest now). You have my vote of confidence that you will do Hope’s newborn stage with grace. I will pray that this is so. Hang in there.
Lana, you look so beautiful!
I am so excited for you as you get ready to meet your baby girl. It’s always a good thing to know what to look for when experiencing depression and to know that there is something you can do about it.
You will feel exhausted, but this time you will not only have a husband who you know can run a household with his eyes closed (by now I am sure he can even multi-task!), you have sweet Lauren that will help immensely.
Ummmm…..babies are blessings. Babies are difficult. Can you have a difficult blessing? Sure! Doesn’t mean we aren’t grateful and happy….and at the same time stressed and in tears. Happy hormones, right???
God gave us many ways of coping….and He gave us physicians with ways to help us. Glad you were willing to take His help….and hang in there…you made it before and can do it again!
I know this is a post about depression so at the risk of sounding defensive and also being off-topic…
My underlying point of the conversation was to choose words wisely. Words are incredibly powerful. They have the power to build others up and also the power to tear them down, intentionally or unintentionally. When ambiguous words like “difficult” are used to essentially label a child…well, I think it can be dangerous (children hear everything!).
Here is a personal example. I think it’s pretty well chronicled on this blog that I think my parents did a great job raising my siblings and me. Were they perfect? Ha! Far from it. But they were really good parents. Yet as great as I think they were (and still do, by the way), I grew up thinking I hadn’t an ounce of creativity within me. Why? Because I was told that I was the “smart” one in the family, that I wasn’t the creative one. What they really meant when they said I wasn’t the creative one was that I couldn’t draw or paint as well as my siblings (which is true; I can’t). I couldn’t draw as well as my siblings yet I grew up believing that I wasn’t creative at all!
I’m telling you the truth, I was almost 33 years old before I “discovered” that I actually am creative. Perhaps ironically, the vast majority of my job today centers on creating things for clients.
My sister will tell you that she wasn’t the smart one in the family. And to be really, really transparent with you, I’m not sure she’s yet to “discover” that she actually is smart.
Again, my point then and now is simply this. Choose your words very carefully when dealing with others, especially children. They are fragile. Using the word “difficult” when you really mean “she threw up a lot and didn’t sleep very well” may seem innocent enough. Yet imagine the child who grows up believing that she was the difficult one in the family. Call me crazy but I think it starts at Day 1!
*stepping off soap box now, apologizing if the conversation takes a left turn*
PS. For the record, Lana, I think you look beautiful too!
I am going to take some time (I am beginning my work day – waiting for students to arrive) to respond to this – and to get Trish’s permission to use her as an example – but I absolutely agree with what you have said Dave. Looking back, and working with students daily, I cannot agree more with the way words impact children. I struggle with this daily – especially since I am a person of “many words” —
Dave, I think what you’re saying is very true. Even though our little guy is 17 months, he is watching EVERYTHING and picking up on everything. I had a cold last week and was blowing my nose a lot and now he takes tissues out of the tissue box, walks over to me and puts the tissues up to my nose while breathing hard in and out through his nose (as if he’s trying to blow his nose)!
I just also wanted to say thanks for the hair compliments (going way back to earlier comments) NY Grandma and Lana. Lana, I have totally chopped it! I like it, but the thing is that when it grows out, it looks shaggy and I have to keep getting it cut, so I never let it grow long! I was just thinking I like your hair long too, but I’m sure shoulder length looks great. I think we have the same hair type, actually. Anyway, I hope to see you in person at some point so we can have these kinds of fun conversations…and much more importantly, meet baby Hope!
We’re praying for you guys, and you do look very beautiful Lana!
Sarah, you are too kind. You have nice curly hair and mine is a bushy mop!
Hope to see you soon too!