Look at me when I’m talking to you!!!
You’ve all said this. You’ve all heard others say it.
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This week I participated in a communication and presentation training course at work. Without a doubt, it was one of the best training courses I’ve ever taken. Through a series of exercises, we learned a great deal about how people communicate naturally, some of the barriers that get in the way of communication and a few things we can do to improve communication. It was focused primarily on presenting material to others (e.g. persuasive, public speaking) but there were lots of general applications as well.
For example, on average people will only remember between 10-15% of what they hear. People will only remember about 20% of what they see. Yet they’ll think they remember much more than they actually do, which is part of the reason why crime scene investigators will get 5 different accounts of what happened from 5 different witnesses who all saw the same thing. But if you can figure out a way to show them (visually) and tell them (audibly) in a way that is both relevant and understandable, people can remember as much as 75-80% of what you present.
It doesn’t matter how simple your message is. If it’s not relevant, people won’t remember it! It doesn’t matter how relevant your message is. If people don’t understand it, they won’t remember it. Your message must be both relevant and understandable!
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Here’s a little nugget about eye contact. Bottom line: eye contact is a double-edged sword. You need to make eye contact with others to engage them in your discussion. They need your eye contact so they feel important. Nothing new there. Everyone knows that eye contact is important.
Here’s the kicker.
When you are looking someone directly in the eye, you can’t think. At least, not as well as you can normally because most of your working memory is focused on the other person’s face. If you can’t think, you can’t remember what someone said. If you don’t remember what someone said, you are unlikely to do or apply what they said. In fact, you might just do the opposite because somewhere in there you heard “use the downstairs bathroom” but might have missed the, “don’t…” on the front-end or the “…because the toilet is broken,” on the back-end.
Now flip it around. When someone else is looking you directly in the eye and you ask them a question…chances are pretty good that they can’t answer your question correctly within a reasonable time frame. Yet they know they need to answer it so they’ll make up something. Oh, they’ll think it’s true. But it’s probably not. You’ll think you got the answer you were looking for. You probably didn’t.
I don’t have time to explain why this is true but it is; eye contact is a double-edged sword!
Don’t believe me? Prove it to yourself.
Find someone else and tell them you’d like to try a little experiment. Sit next to them and ask them some age-appropriate math questions. You can look them in the eye when you ask the question but then look away casually as soon as you are done, perhaps at the magazine in your hand or something else nearby. Ask them 4-5 questions: What’s 11 x 15? 18 x 19? etc. Don’t write it down but make a mental note about how long it took them to answer, on average.
Now try it again. Only this time, tell them that they have to look at you in the eye and not look away. Ask them another, similar math question, something like 17 x 18. You don’t look away; keep looking at them directly in the eye. Don’t let them look away either. They won’t be able to do the math calculation. At best, it’ll take them far longer to perform this calculation than the previous ones.
We tried this with Lauren. What’s 6 + 3? 9. What’s 8 + 5? 13. What’s 17 + 10? 27. Looking straight into her eyes and telling her not to look away from me, I asked her to tell me what 6 + 5 equaled. Um. Um. Um. 13?
Right answer to the wrong — previous, “What’s 8 + 5?” — question.
Here’s one practical application.
Next time your child does something she shouldn’t, don’t make her look you in the eye as you correct her. She won’t be able to process what you’re saying! You will, in a sense, unintentionally encourage her to lie.
Instead, get behind her and point to the thing she did wrong. “Do you see the mess on the floor?” “Do you see the blood on Johnny’s face?” “OK, good.” Tell her you don’t want her to do it again. Then, look at her directly in the eye and have her tell you she won’t. At this point, the eye contact is more likely to seal the deal and your child is less likely to repeat the undesired performance.
Phew! That was a long post. Hope it’s worth it.
PS. For another practical application, watch this. Start at 5:01 and watch through about minute 9:30. Fascinating!
Wow, that was really cool! Just one of the many reasons I love to read your blog: You never know when you might learn something new. I guess I’ll have to be careful with the eye contact from now on. Thanks for passing on the knowledge!
Thank you soooo much for this!!! I am a Preschool teacher, and I do homebound, and some subbing for older kids…
I have never heard these suggestions at all! I have a little girl who looks away a lot when she’s talking to me, and this might explain why. She’s trying to better process what she’s saying. She is an intelligent little girl.
I copied this entry and I’m sending it on to educate others! Thanks!
This is excellent. It answers questions that have plagued me when I’m trying to be sincere and respectfully looking someone in the eye when they are talking with me or I am visiting with them. I find that I lose what I was trying to say. And, I get jittery when they are talking with me. Explains why when someone comes into my office for an answer and I have to tell them that I’ll get back to them. However, the very second they leave I have found it. I am definitely a visual person; I visualize words when speaking them and situations when telling a story. How I wish this was presented when I was raising my kids. And, what a benefit this theory would have been when my husband was still alive…talk about understanding each other!! Praise God that He always has His Eyes on us.
That’s so interesting Dave! I had a class at college about that once…I guess I was looking right into my teacher’s eyes! hahahaha
But I got it all now…I’ll try with someone!
Good night for all of you
(It’s night in Brazil, I don’t know what time is it in the USA… hehe)
Bye ♥
Wow!! That is the most fascinating thing I’ve ever heard! I’m going to ponder this and do a post on it too! COOL!!!
I sent this out to a bunch of friends, and one of them responded with this:
That was interesting! I also just heard that if you tell someone in their left ear to do something…..they more than likely won’t or won’t do it correctly….but if you tell them in their right ear…..it usually gets done and done correctly! Hmmmmm!
Hmmm…I was just trying to get Bella (age 2) to do that to me today when I was trying to stress something she shouldn’t do- I’ll definitely think twice the next time I start doing that!
Very enlightening! Thanks!
Ah, wonderful. Thank you so much for posting this –as a teacher, I’ve always hated it when a colleague gives a child the “Look at me when I’m talking to you” admonition, but only because I knew that as a child, I went completely blank when forced to make eye contact with an adult. Now there’s an explanation!
And, as a parent and a teacher, I absolutely LOVE that you have given an example for how it should be done: “Instead, get behind her and point to the thing she did wrong . . . .” THANK YOU! Not only does this strategy allow the child to focus on the issue, not the person giving the discipline, it also (physically and emotionally) puts the adult and child on the “same side” facing the problem together. Powerful!
Thank you for taking the time to write out that “long post.” I certainly think it was worth it!
Hey Dave, great post! You are becoming a man of many words.
@Lana. Ha!!!
Glad everyone liked it.
@Juliana. LOL!
@Amanda. Interesting. Hadn’t thought of it that way but it makes sense (re: “puts the adult and child on the same side”).
It’s also worth pointing out that the same approach works with pets as well. If a dog poops on the floor, it’s better to take the dog by the collar and “show him the poop.” Well…you get the idea.
Hey Dave,
Hmmm, maybe for adult communication we can carry a reporter’s notebook and be ready to do some “short hand” without looking at the notebook while making good eye contact with the person talking. Or, maybe better yet, get permission to electronically record the communication so that it can be played back later for clarity, before “going to the downstairs bathroom.”
I believe “sometimes” messages can be both relevant and understandable, but “forgetable” because the person receiving them is distracted for some reason or bored or both. The giver can be also!
When I taught art in public high schools I was sometimes really animated with attempts to get and keep the attention of students.
Unfortunately sometimes my “methods of animation” were misunderstood by Texas school administrators. I liked all my students and wanted them “not” to be bored and to actually learn to “do” art and “become” artists.
I thought grading drawings, paintings, etc. was next to useless. Art history tests can be graded.
Great communication on this topic Dave (and I could not even see your eyes)! I especially enjoyed the part about Lauren. I wish I had known about and used that good communication skill with Lana, Jay, Kevin and Micah (Charlotte and Nancy too).
But hey, I’m learnin’…
Blessings,
Larry/Dad/Granddad
Hi there Dave, I have been reading what you say and others comments trying to say something how I think. I guess I am going to be a bit of a party pooper
) I think there are times eye contact is very important. Last night my son and I went to a resturant for supper. He does the ordering just like my wife does when she is along. When I thank him or any one I always look them in the eye. I believe they see the sincerity in my eyes and I see the appriciation in theirs. When we left I looked the waitress in the eye to thank her and could tell she knew I really meant it (and felt good)when I said ” thank you Sue”. I could see it in her eyes. I also think brief eye contact when introduced to some one for the first time is respectful, like at a job interview. OK, there are a few examples. What do you think? This is my limit for writing, hope it is all good. God bless. In Christ, Joe
Hey Joe, I couldn’t agree with you more! Eye contact is incredibly important. Your examples are great!
But switch it around for a second and suppose you were asking your son or the waitress a question. In that particular circumstance, it would probably be better for you to ask the question and then look away momentarily. You can maintain eye contact for brief moments of time to show that you are still engaged and that you care about what the other person is saying. It’s the constant eye contact that seems to cause trouble.
Great thoughts!
Hey Dave, you are right. My wife reminded me how I used to keep constant eye contact with people and they felt like I was drilling holes in them. Her one friend said I had evil eyes. I kind of forgot about that, now I move involuntarily as I try to say a sentence and no one is intimidated
) which is nice. This is kind of fun. I like the way you make this change. God bless, Joe
I agree with you Joe. The time that I have been most aware of missing eye contact is at church during the greeting time. I’ve noticed some people who will shake my hand while looking to the next person they are going to speak to. I feel that they are not acknowledging me but with those who make eye contact and continue it as they speak to me, it seems much more genuine.
Thus the double-edge. It is critical to make eye contact and far too few people do. But constant eye contact can be as harmful as no eye contact, just in a different way.
I JUST discovered this when my 3yo ds speech therapist told me why he listens to her instructions better when he is NOT looking at her. She said that since he has trouble with the verbal response already (speech delay), he can not process both auditory and VISUAL input at the same time.
I had always worried when he was younger as to why I couldn’t get him to look me in the eye very well! Now he responds much better when I lean down and speak softly in his ear or beside him instead of planting my face right in front of his.
I think this is very different than ‘social’ eye contact in which we are shown to be giving someone our attention/ respect/ sincerity with our eyes while they speak. As adults, most of us should be able to do that. But with kids (or people) such as my son, the visual has to be separate until they can develop better processing. As this happens, he will be able to maintain eye contact while listening at the same time. He is learning to look at a person’s eye but we allow him to look away to listen or to formulate his response.
Just my opinion. But I was thankful to stumble across this topic! Boy how I wish I had know this a few years ago when our dd was struggling with our mis-understanding of her auditory processing delays….Good to know now!
Blessings,
What was the class you took? I want to learn, too!
I’m not 100% sure but I think it was this course. It was a 2-day course. Roughly half of the first day focused on communication theory. The rest of the first day and all of the second day focused on presentation theory, mixed with lots of exercises, practice and on-the-spot evaluations and coaching.
While I don’t see much of the communication theory content on the site, a fair bit of the course content can be found here, absolutely free. Watch all the videos and you’ll get a pretty good sense of what was covered.
Thank you so much for the web site link! I’ve just looked at a few videos and I feel smarter about presentations already!
Dave, I think that the actual course that you attended was the second course on this page – http://www.m62.net/presentation-skills/. We offer an open version of the same course,but it’s not scheduled to run in the US for a while.
But thanks for the mention – and we’re glad that you liked the course.
Thanks Joby.